So I just watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014.) I didn’t know the stupidness in film could go to eleven.
I assume the brainstorming for this movie must have included these ideas. What if instead of ninjas they were the Hulk? What if Raphael had a toothpick? (Otherwise how would we know he’s the “tough” one?) What if instead of Michelangelo being funny he was a creepy weirdo who never shuts the fuck up? What if instead of Leonardo being cool he was Johnny Knoxville? What if Donatello was so fucking nerdy his voice assaults your ears like the aural equivalent of a cheese grater? What if instead of Will Arnett being likable he wasn’t? What if instead of their origin being vague and somewhat mysterious it was retarded? (Like Secret of the Ooze only somehow even duuumber.) What if instead of getting someone who can act playing intrepid reporter April O’Neil it was Megan Fox? What if there was ridiculous amounts of lens flare to cover up the monstrosity that is Michelangelo’s face? What if every scene had unnecessary Dutch angles instead of doing anything interesting or original? What if Whoopi Goldberg was there for no reason?
I love schlocky blockbuster garbage as much as the next guy, but there has to be at least something fun or cool to latch onto. This movie was negative fun. It sucks fun out of the room. I give Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles one out of four who gives a fucks.
Stray Thoughts:
- What a waste of William Fichtner.
- Weird cgi pizza is not effective product placement.
- I couldn’t tell if Tony Shalhoub was doing an Asian voice or not.
- Robo Shredder looks like edgy teenage fanart.
- Megan Fox mouth breathes constantly. Close your fucking mouth.
- Shellshocked is somehow a dumber Turtles rap than Go Ninja Go. And nowhere near as catchy.